Saturday, April 14, 2007

On my mind

This will probably end up being a rambling post, but this has been on my mind. Maybe if I put it "on paper" it will be freed and I can move on. (probably not, but it's worth a try).

So, here's the deal. Every day, I live my own "every day life", just like everyone else. There are things that are common in my day, or in my life. Things pop up, that I've seen, heard, or done before. You know, normal life. For example, I was driving behind a car today, and the person in the back seat, put their arm up into the back window, and I saw bracelets on their arm. Seems pretty benign, but it gave me a flash of Renee wearing bracelets like that and playing with them on her arm.

I heard a song the other day that I hadn't heard in a long time and I remembered that I told Renee once that it reminded me of her SO much. I had to sing it for her because she didn't know it. I remember that I sounded terrible, and she laughed at me. (that's ok, I can take it) :)

Sometimes, something will happen that I want to confide in her about, or ask her opinion on. For the past couple years, I'd "file it away" in my mind. I'd think, "That's something to ask Renee about, I'll try to remember it when I find her again." OF COURSE I knew that I'd forget by the time I found her...but the point is, I thought I'd find her. "Filing away" became a habit for alot of things. Usually, those were the times that would make me jump online and Google her and Rachel again. I still catch myself doing now, though. There are things that come up almost everyday that I want to talk to her about.

Sometimes I think of things that I want to tell her about, and I can hear her hearty laugh, because I know it's something she would have thought was so funny. I can hear it now. I can see her in my mind laughing. I don't think it's a particular memory of any particular time, I just see her...healthy, happy, beautiful, and laughing.

I still can't comprehend that she's really gone, that the world is missing Renee. It doesn't seem possible. I didn't meet Renee until I was 19, but to me, it's like she's just always been there. How can she not be there now? She's just away somewhere and she'll be back...not so, though. Doesn't work that way, I know.

But, how long do I have to go through my everyday life seeing, hearing, feeling, and thinking things that I relate to her? I mean, God! She was on my mind for the 3 years I couldn't find her, and now she's STILL on my mind and I "found" her, but I'll still never be able to hear her laugh again.

I told her once, that for some reason, I wanted to call her "Re" (souns like Ree). It's funny now, I don't know why I got that feeling, but even now I think of her and I think "Re". I told her about it once and she told me not to call her that. :) haha I don't care. It's a name that I came up with, it's my own "thing", and now she can't stop me. I love her, and she's Re.

Maybe it stemmed from the time we were at Have A Nice Day Cafe and we were dancing. They played "Ring My Bell" and she told me a story. I don't remeber all the details but something about her sisters calling her Reena Bell, because of the song. So, that's stuck in my head, and Re is a shortened version of it. That's my best guess of where it came from. But I remember laughing about the name, Reena Bell, with her that night.

That was the night she broke the heel spur she had. I have a picture of the two of us together that night. I'm smiling with a big smile and she's sitting next to me doing a goofy pout because her foot hurt. She ended up sitting at the table all night because her foot hurt, so I stayed too.

So, one memory leads to another. Everyday life keeps rolling along and remind me of times in my past, and people I love & miss. I love you, Re. :(

But, then, that's the point of it does keep rolling along. Jimmy Buffett has a new song out on his latest album. It's about Hurricane Katrina, but there's a line in it that says, "According to my watch the time is Now, the past is dead and gone....Breathe in, breathe out, move on." I guess, in the land of the living, that's what we do. I'm always going to love her, I'm always going to remember her, but life keeps rolling and so must I....good advice, but hard to do.

Ok, here's my deep breath. I have to go... ***HUGS*** to you, Re.